“Benjamin’s Mess” by David Benjamin

Copyright 2025 by David Benjamin. Published by Last Kid Books, Madison WI.

This is the 14th David Benjamin book that I have reviewed. And while it is true that he is one of my oldest and best friends, I would not read 14 books by anyone if I didn’t enjoy them. He is a very good writer.

One of his specialties is the “screed” – a short (about 1,000 words) essay. He publishes one screed almost every week. You can find them all – over 600 of them – here. This is his third book containing collections of his best screeds, the others being Almost Killed by a Train of Thought (2019) and Christmas in a Jugular Vein (2024).

Reading one of these collections of screeds is entertaining but makes me marvel at the breadth of Benjamin’s interests and the depth of his thoughts. He has a way of looking at something that makes me look at it differently (example: who is the “+” in “LGBTQ+”?). In this book he categorizes the topic. Here is the list of topic categories, most common category first:

  • Satire – 12 (I include here the 3 “Bienfang” essays, which is a particular kind of satire)
  • Memory – 11
  • Paris – 8
  • Language – 6
  • Culture – 4
  • Technology – 4
  • Civics – 3
  • Journalism – 3
  • Movies – 3
  • Covid – 2
  • Guns – 2
  • Travel – 2
  • America – 1
  • Death – 1
  • Faith – 1
  • Gender – 1
  • Horror – 1
  • Olympics – 1
  • Polemic – 1

He is nothing if not eclectic. Many of his essays are autobiographical (I am mentioned by name in two of the “Memory” essays and can attest that the events he mentions really happened). The “Death” essay is about his wife’s mother who survived the bombing of Hiroshima to die at 93. Some are touching. Many are thought-provoking. All are worth the few minutes it takes to read the essay.

9 out of 10.

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Carnival Conquest 2 wrapup

This was the cruise that I wasn’t supposed to take. Marlene had booked it with a friend who backed out. I was able to fill in only because the timing was perfect – the cruise began 3 days after the primary election. I was exhausted from all of my election activities, so it worked well as a break from the intensity of the previous month.

But the cruise seemed long. I don’t think I have ever before thought that a cruise was too long – even the 30-day TP1 cruise to Australia. Maybe it had to do with the itinerary – there were no new ports – or maybe it was the ship (our second cruise on the Carnival Conquest). There just wasn’t anything new in this trip. I like new.

Highlights:

  • Getting the $970 “Mega” bonus in the casino. Totally unexpected and the second largest prize I have ever received in a casino. It made the losses on all the other days tolerable.
  • The SEA experience. This was our first Sailings Exclusively for Adults Carnival cruise. No kids on board. Very nice. And we got some useful bling: a reusable straw, a wrist cabin card holder and Gatsby Party hats and headbands.
  • The cruise director. Filipe was a lot of fun.
  • Some of the meals. The prime rib was very good and there were some very good desserts.
  • Our cabin. It was large with a nice ocean view. And being on Deck 1 we experienced almost no motion at all. If you suffer from seasickness, book a cabin on Deck 1.
  • Our fellow passengers. Overall it was a congenial group and we ran into four couples that we have cruised with before.

Lowlights:

  • The casino overall. Lots of people losing lots of money. I had several days where I lost over $100 with no bonuses. I expect bonuses to be hard to hit but they shouldn’t be impossible.
  • Some of the meals. The kung pao chicken was terrible, two of my filets were tough (that should never happen) and Marlene complained about her cod (“mushy).
  • The late night buffet. This isn’t intended as a meal, but the fare borders on disgusting.
  • Our cabin attendant. He was clearly annoyed by our almost constant use of the “Do Not Disturb” sign. He seemed to take offense on us preventing him from doing his job. Attitude.

The shows were too good to be included as a lowlight, but not good enough to be included as a highlight. Ditto with the itinerary.

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Carnival Conquest 2 Day 15: Disembarkation in Miami FL

The alarm went off at 6am as directed. We finished packing then went to breakfast. We said goodbye to a few folks, then left the cabin. We had to wait about 30 minutes to get off the ship and an hour for Marlene’s son to fight his way through traffic to the port to pick us up, but we had the car and were on our way home by 10am.

Except that we didn’t go home. At least not right away.

First we tried to visit Marlene’s old friend Danny, a guy she hadn’t seen in years and who recently suffered a devastating stroke. We found his apartment but he wasn’t home. Marlene, through some diligent telephone work, learned that he was in the hospital.

Next we stopped at Four Star Jewelry, the little shop run by Marlene’s old friend Eli. She introduced me to him and they spent an hour catching up on old times. Very interesting guy.

Then we traveled to Marlene’s brother’s house for a reunion with Becky. She was overjoyed to see us, as evidenced by her violently wagging tail. I hung around all afternoon and we caught up on the latest episodes of Reacher Season 4. Then I left and drove home. Marlene stayed with her brother. She may try to see Danny this weekend. I will retrieve her on Monday or Tuesday.

Thus ends the Carnival Conquest 2 trip. Wrapup next.

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Carnival Conquest 2 Days 13 & 14: At sea

Day 13 started, as usual, with breakfast in the buffet. We then played some cards before going to the Diamond and Platinum reunion – a special event for the most loyal Carnival customers (Marlene is Diamond, I am Platinum). The main features of these reunion events are meeting the senior officers and getting free drinks. We each had two Tequila Sunrise drinks and followed those with a drink in the casino.

And that is about all I remember of that day. I went to the cabin and fell asleep (passed out?) and Marlene followed shortly after me. I thought the Funship Special – our favored drink – was strong but the Tequila Sunrise must be even stronger.

It was a lost evening. We skipped dinner (the second formal night) and the Gatsby Party (for which Carnival provided complimentary hats and headbands). We were barely sober enough to get a late night snack.

No more Tequila Sunrises! Ever!

Day 14 – the last day of the cruise – started with us packing, which is unusual for us as we usually wait until the last minute. Then we had brunch with three women from DE and PA. We spent time in the casino and I did poorly but Marlene made about $700. We both ended down for the cruise. I lost about $800 in 14 days and Marlene lost even more. But we lost less than many. It was a great cruise for high rollers – we saw many passengers betting $10 or more on a single spin of the slot machine and heard stories of people losing $10,000 or more. Marlene saw one person win $35,000 but, overall, there were many more losers than winners. No surprise there.

I attended a couple of trivia sessions and didn’t win. Then I blogged but didn’t post as I had no internet.

The Captain’s Feast featured lobster tail (Marlene had two) and Beef Wellington (one for me). A nice dinner to end the cruise.

We watched a movie on the big screen at the pool after dinner – Tuner. Interesting movie. Dustin Hoffman plays an old man. Time is marching on.

We got to bed around 2am and set the alarm for 6am.

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Carnival Conquest 2 Day 12: Amber Cove, Dominican Republic

Conquest at Amber Cove

We went ashore after breakfast, carrying our snorkel gear as I was convinced that Amber Cove had a beach. I was wrong. It has a wonderful pool with a swim-up bar and cabanas on the water that we could rent for $540 for 4 hours (no thank you). But no beach. We hung out in the kiddie pool area (and got drenched by the water bucket) and had a huge drink in the pool bar ($21 but big enough for two and you can take the goblet home – not a bad deal).

We played cards in the afternoon (don’t ask) and dressed in all white for White Night dinner, dining alone. The evening show was “Epic Rock” which was a simple musical revue featuring a lot of Queen hits. Nice but not great.

I played even at the casino, which is almost a win.

More cards and a late night snack, then off to bed.

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Carnival Conquest 2 Days 10 & 11: At sea

Day 10 was supposed to be in port in Antigua, but a tropical storm kicked the winds up sufficiently high to cause us to skip docking there. So an extra sea day. No great loss as our first visit to Antigua left us feeling that the island had little to offer.

The loss was in the casino. I spent too much time there and gave back almost half of what I had won on Days 8 and 9.

We had dinner with Clarence, a widower from Alabama, and two women. One of the women tried Marlene’s drink and gave it high marks.

We played a lot of cards after dinner and Marlene continued to school me, winning 3 games to my 1.

Day 11 featured more losses at both the casino and cards Fortunately the casino losses were minimal – less than $100.

I read a lot and did some trivia, too, But a very quiet day overall.

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Carnival Conquest 2 Day 9: Roseau, Dominica

Marlene shopping in Roseau, Conquest in the background

We started the day with breakfast, then went ashore. We have been to Dominica before, in 2024 on our first Conquest cruise, but neither of us recalled what we did on that visit. I guess the place isn’t that memorable. However, I think it has some interesting sights and we considered doing an excursion as we were approached by several guys who offered a 2-hour tour for $20. But neither of us had any recollection of the city so we just wandered around town for a couple of hours.

Leaving Dominica

Mostly the time was spent shopping and buying little – just some magnets, a coffee cup and a local beer. But we also tried to visit a church, only to find that it had been closed for years due to hurricane damage.

We were back on board by 2pm, had some lunch, then I blogged while Marlene napped.

We had dinner then played cards (Marlene 2, me 0). The sunset as we left was very nice.

The casino was kind as I won $160.

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Carnival Conquest 2 Day 8: At sea

This day started out like any other day at sea – breakfast, then lose some money in the casino and lose a couple of games of knock rummy. But it was notable in being probably the only day that we will have the cabin cleaned on this 2-week cruise. Marlene does not like to have daily cabin cleanings. Nor every-other-day cabin cleanings. On previous long cruises we compromised at one cleaning every 5 days. This time she balked at that, so we went a full week without the cabin attendant cleaning anything. This annoyed the heck out of him. He actually phoned us at 8:30am when we were still in bed and chided me for not letting him do his job. I assured him that we would take down the “do not disturb” sign and vacate the cabin at some point so he could give it a thorough cleaning but that wasn’t good enough. He wanted us to vacate NOW.

His expected tip just took a hit.

Marlene with cruise director Filipe in the contest

After breakfast and the obligatory losses in the casino and at cards, we actually got into the hot tub to soak for a bit. Then things got interesting.

First, Marlene cajoled me into signing up for the mixologist contest – an amateur bartender contest in which 4 passengers judge alcoholic beverage inventions, the winner winning… nothing. I planned to try a concoction with white rum, blackberry brandy, Triple Sec and orange juice. But only four people were given a chance to complete. One was Marlene who made “Marlene’s Mess” from tequila, Curacao liqueur, raspberry brandy, peach schnapps, pineapple juice and orange juice. I thought it would be very strong but it was actually fruity and refreshing. I guess the judges thought so too because she WON. So “Marlene’s Mess” will be available at all the bars on the Conquest for the rest of the cruise.

Then we ventured into the casino again and I put $20 into a Dragon Link slot machine. After about 10 spins I hit a bonus in which the dragon threw 3 additional “money balls” into the grid. One of the balls was a “Mega” ball which, much to my shock, paid over $970. So I went from being way down to being slightly up after 8 days of cruising.

My negative view of the casino instantaneously improved.

We continued to play and, of course, I lost some of that. But I ended the day just about even for the cruise.

That’s a relief!

Dinner had a French and Spanish theme. The French onion soup was outstanding.

The evening show was “Love and Marriage” which is always a hoot. This time the newlywed couple (on their honeymoon) were embarrassed, in front of both sets of parents and all of their fellow passengers by admitting that they had had sex in the cabana in the Serenity Lounge on board the ship. They will have to endure a full week on board with everyone asking if they had been to the Serenity Lounge lately.

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Carnival Conquest 2 Day 7: Grenada

View from downtown St George’s, Grenada

I have been to Grenada a couple of times, most recently in 2024 during our first cruise on the Conquest. This is one of my favorite Caribbean islands, but this time we didn’t see the harbor or climb the hills for the spectacular vistas, two of the things that I like about this place. Instead, we shopped, pretty much until I dropped.

I don’t like to shop, even on one of my favorite islands.

We were back on board by 3pm and I then spent some time blogging, followed by a nap before dinner.

Dinner had a Chinese/Japanese theme. I had some California rolls for an appetizer and kung pao chicken for an entree. The California rolls were excellent; the kung pao was terrible – dry and bland. Fortunately, we had also ordered a BBQ steak dish that was quite good.

We saw the comedia show after dinner, featuring Percy Crews II. Pretty raw. Pretty funny.

I continued to lose in the casino. I have, in one week, reached the limit that I set for a “reasonable” amount of money to lose on the 14-day cruise. I need to be careful for the rest of the trip. This casino is being very tight. I lost nearly $200 today, with nary a bonus to show for it.

I also continued to lose badly to Marlene at knock rummy. She won all 3 games we played today.

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Carnival Conquest 2 Day 6: At sea

Quiet day at sea. Except for the rescue.

Yes, we were diverted to save a person in a disabled sailboat far from land. How does a sailboat become disabled? I have no idea. But we did divert and did rescue him. It didn’t delay us at all, just added a bit of excitement to an otherwise dull day at sea.

I spent much of the afternoon reading and watching movies on TV while watching the ocean go by. Unlike previous Carnival cruises, the movies on this one are actually quite good.

80s to the Max

We had dinner at a table with a couple from Nashville and a young lady from Geogia who was on her first cruise with her elderly aunt. Good dinner companions. No fistfights.

We went to the show after dinner – 80s to the Max (it was 80s night). A song-and-dance revue to 80s tunes. Not bad.

The casino continued to take my money.

I saw Footloose on the big screen on the Lido deck at midnight. Hard to believe but I had never seen this movie before.

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